


i'll face my fear of the cold nights when you leave me behind

by forestjoshua



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-15 05:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18492526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forestjoshua/pseuds/forestjoshua
Summary: Matteo hits a low point. Luckily, there's always light.





	1. good night

**Author's Note:**

> as if druck already wasn't angsty enough.
> 
> title from 'eyelids' by pvris. a total davenzi song btw!
> 
> please check the additional tags for trigger warnings ♥

Matteo hated it when David had evening classes. He’d never admit that out loud, but he despised it. He was accustomed to being alone during the days, wandering around the apartment, waiting for David to come back, feeling useless. He could stand the loneliness during the days, but the evenings felt like a drag, with the darkness pressing around him. Evenings should had been reserved to him and David doing something together, but David took his studies seriously.

Taking a gap year had started to feel like the wrong choice for Matteo. At the time, it had felt like the only choice. Matteo had barely passed his Abi and on top of that he had absolutely no idea what he wanted to do in life. Unlike David, who had known since he was a kid that he wanted to make movies.

David had gone to a film school in Berlin. He and Matteo had moved in together, in a lousy apartment, the only plus side of which was the cheap rent. Their home was always cold, and the neighbors were never quiet, but it was home. It was the two of them, and a roof above them. It was enough.

Matteo was trying to look for a job. The key word being _trying._ The thing was, finding a job hadn’t turned out to be that easy without prior experience and, well, motivation, which Matteo had little.

With his fickle mental state, everything felt a thousand times harder for Matteo than it should have. There were periods when he felt better, when the depression gave him room to not be so hard on himself, only for him to fall back into utter desperation when something happened to mildly inconvenience him. He snapped at his friends. He snapped at David. He locked himself in his and David’s bedroom. One time, David had had to stay the night on the couch. Neither of them had slept.

David was an angel. He was patient and kind. Matteo felt like he didn’t deserve David, at all. David, who had his own problems to deal with, who still had the energy to take care of Matteo. David, who saw what a mess he was, and still supported and helped him. What did he get in return from Matteo? Harsh words, sulking, and broken promises? Matteo was dreading the day David would finally have enough, back his stuff, and leave Matteo.

_I just feel like I’m going nowhere in life,_ had Matteo almost cried one night, a couple of months ago. David had been quiet for a moment, thinking. Then, he had said,

“Let’s just go day by day for now, Matteo. You’ll just have to have an agenda for each day. Even if it’s something minor. Just do _something._ Like – call your mom. Or go over at Jonas’s place. Wash the dishes. Research what you might want to possibly study. Apply for a job – even if you don’t think you’re actually going to get it. Just something. Just one thing.”

Matteo had found himself agreeing to David’s plan, sealing the promise with a kiss. Since that, every day Matteo had spent entirely in bed, numb, tired and helpless, had felt like a betrayal to David. David never said anything about it. He was too forgiving, Matteo thought.

Today’s agenda had been preparing dinner for him and David. Matteo, on the couch, reached over to take his phone, to check the time again. Maybe twenty minutes. Then, David would be home, and Matteo wouldn’t feel so lonely anymore. Matteo stopped to look at his phone background, a picture of him and David smiling. After years together, David’s smile still made his heart skip a beat.

Matteo missed smiling. The last weeks had been hard. Matteo saw that David was beginning to feel tired, as well, which didn’t help at all.

Matteo was just dragging David down.

Frustrated, he threw the phone aside, falling back to lie on the couch. Their upstairs neighbors were playing loud music, some latest pop hit that wasn’t exactly Matteo’s favorite. He felt tired. He felt like something was pulling him down. He wanted to sink into the couch, disappear, cease to exist. It wouldn’t be a great loss to David or anyone. Maybe even better that way.

Matteo’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment. It was perhaps a little too early to go to sleep already, but Matteo didn’t have the energy to fight back.

Except, the food was in the oven. Matteo resisted the urge to groan. He despised himself. Too lazy to get up from the couch. Too lazy to walk to the kitchen, get the cooked frozen pizza from the oven so that his boyfriend could _eat_ after a long day of studying. Matteo had had a long day of doing _nothing_ since noon, when David had left, leaving Matteo with a kiss and a promise that he’d miss him.

David was probably lying. David was probably relieved that he’d get a few hours away from Matteo’s misery.

_Just get up and get the food,_ Matteo thought, _At least for David._

That sounded like a plan. Matteo would throw the pizza on the stove. David would find it there and by then, Matteo would be asleep in their bed.

He allowed himself to imagine David coming to the room, seeing Matteo sleeping. Walking over to Matteo. Pulling the covers better around Matteo. Kissing Matteo’s forehead.

Just like many nights before.

When Matteo found his way into the kitchen, the pizza had already been burnt.

_I can’t do anything right. Not even the simplest thing,_  Matteo thought. He didn’t even bother using the oven mittens. He turned off the oven, grabbed the hot tray with his bare hands, his skin screaming at him, and threw the charred pizza on top of the stove.

Matteo looked down at his hands, heart pulsing. The ugly red marks were fascinating to him.

He felt scared of what he had done. Shaking, Matteo turned around. He wanted David to come home in that precise moment. But when Matteo looked at the ruined food, he kind of wished it would take longer for David to return home. David would be mad at Matteo for burning the food and hurting himself. He didn’t want David to be mad.

_If you’d just moved your ass five minutes earlier, the pizza would’ve been salvageable._

Matteo was so angry at himself. He bit his lips, feeling a lump forming in his throat. He was so tired, so frustrated, so _angry,_ and when he was angry, he threw things. Matteo had broken his phone several times, since it was usually the closest item to him, easy to throw without thinking. Luckily, he had left the phone in the living room, so his rage was directed towards a glass baking dish that happened to be lying on the counter.

He took a startled step back when the dish hit the stone floor, but some of the shards still rained on his feet. Matteo blinked, looking at the mess he had made.

He was a mess.

Groaning, Matteo sank to the floor. He was shaking. The skin of his palms was seared. It stung, but it was the only thing that grounded him. Matteo’s heart thudded as he hit his low point there, on the kitchen floor, a broken boy surrounded by broken glass. He didn’t even bother crying. What was the point anymore?

Eyes landing on the nearest shard, a large and sharp one, Matteo reached to grab it. He could barely hold it in his shaking hand, but the weight of it brought him more comfort.

The wrong kind of comfort.

_Matteo, stop._ A voice in the back of his head. A combination of voices – his mother, David, Jonas, Carlos, Hans, Mia, Hanna…

Matteo pressed the piece of glass against his arm. He applied pressure, mesmerized. The hurt didn’t surprise him. What made him startle was the ribbon of blood trickling down his pale arm.

_What am I doing?_ Matteo thought, desperate. He had just wanted to feel something other than anger towards himself.

The glass hit the floor. Matteo felt dizzy when he stood up. He stood there for a moment, staring at the droplets of ruby red blood hitting the floor.

Ashamed.

Ashamed that he had driven himself to do this. To go this far.

Like an empty shell, almost on autopilot, Matteo wandered into the bathroom. He felt disgusted with himself. When he tried to cope with things, his coping mechanisms weren’t exactly healthy. Throwing things. Smoking weed. And, apparently now, _hurting himself._

He locked the bathroom door for good measure. He didn’t really want to turn on the light, to see himself in the mirror, but he couldn’t handle the darkness, either. So, he flicked the switch and quickly passed the room, collapsing against the tub.

The peeled off paint of the bathroom door gave Matteo a point to focus on as he tried to steady his breathing, holding his arm and feeling the blood turn sticky underneath his fingers.

Then, there was the noise of a key trying to open the front door. The creak, when it finally opened and the loud thud when it was closed. Those noises usually comforted Matteo.

They meant that David was home.

Matteo froze.

“Matteo?” David called out, “Babe, I’m home.”

His tongue felt too heavy in his mouth. Matteo stayed silent, listening to David’s steps echoing around the apartment.

“Matteo? You in here somewhere?”

If Matteo had decided to let out a sound, only a distressed yelp would have come out. So, he didn’t.

David had apparently found his way into the kitchen, since Matteo heard a slightly scared “Matteo?” being called out next.

Then, David was on the other side of the door. Matteo closed his eyes, listening to David trying to pry the door open. “Matteo, I know you’re in there. Can you please open the door? I just want to talk. Baby, please, I just want to know if you’re okay.”

_No,_ Matteo thought, _He can’t see me like this._

“Matteo!” David shouted, “If you don’t come open the door, I’m going to call-“

The door gave in. It was a shitty door, anyway, and the lock couldn’t be trusted. Like, one time, Jonas had gone in and locked the door, and the next minute Hanna had walked in on him – the lock just wasn’t working.

David stood at the doorway, looking wild. His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were wide. “Matteo,” he whispered, lurching forward. “What happened?” Falling on his knees in front of Matteo, David pried Matteo’s bloodied fingers from around his arm. “Oh, baby, _no,”_ he sighed.

Trying to catch his breath, David stood up and started to rummage through the cabinets, in search of bandage, even though the wound had already stopped bleeding. Matteo understood that David wanted to cover it.

Gently, without saying anything, David cleaned the wound up and bandaged it. Then, he gathered Matteo in his arms, hugging him, but not too tight.

Matteo gave in. He let himself be held, closing his eyes, letting the tears leak out. David was rubbing his knuckles against Matteo’s shoulder blades, rocking him. “Don’t ever scare me like that,” he whispered. He didn’t sound angry, just worried. “When I saw the blood in the kitchen… What happened?”

Not being able to say anything, Matteo shook his head against David’s shoulder.

“We’ll talk later,” David promised. He spoke so softly. He always knew the right way to speak to Matteo. “Can you get up?”

David led Matteo into the living room, guiding him to sit on the couch. Matteo blinked up at his boyfriend, seeing David trying to smile at him. The smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo choked out.

“What? No. Don’t apologize,” David said, sitting next to Matteo and taking his hands, kissing the knuckles. David turned the hands over in his hands, the gentle smile dying on his lips as he noticed the red marks. “Matteo, how long?”

Matteo shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said again, like a broken record. “I promise I won’t do it again. I’m sorry I ruined our food.” He felt embarrassed of having a meltdown over such a minor thing.

“It’s nothing,” David said, “Gosh, baby, you should’ve have called me. You can always call, you know that, right? You haven’t hurt yourself before, have you?”

“No,” Matteo whispered hoarsely. He was staring into nothing. David’s gentle hands were caressing his shoulders. Matteo kept thinking about the pizza. David must have been hungry. “You have nothing to eat now,” Matteo said. _We can’t afford to burn food. To waste it. We’re so tight on money,_ he thought. A couple of more tears leaked out.

“I’m going to order a pizza,” David said, “Which toppings would you like?”

Distressed, Matteo turned to David. “No, we have to save money,” he said to David.

“That place Laura used to work at is really cheap,” said David, “Don’t worry about it. It happens. Remember last week when I took the ice cream out of the freezer to soften a little and forgot about it? It was completely melted by the time I remembered it. Remember how pissed you were? That was your favorite ice cream. I think we’re even. It’s just a pizza. Not even a good one. It happens. Hey, Matteo? It happens.”

Matteo was crying now. “But I broke the dish. It was a housewarming gift from Mia.”

This time, David snorted. “Have we used it even one time? I don’t think so. Frankly, I don’t think Mia even cares. You know why it was on the counter? I was looking for stuff we could give away. What’s that thing worth, anyway. A euro? Maybe two? It doesn’t matter, Matteo. I’m not mad at you. Hell, I’m mad at myself for leaving it on the counter for you to smash and hurt yourself.”

David pressed his lips against the bandage. Then he continued, whispering, “So now, I’m going to order us a pizza. We’re going to eat and call it a day. Sound okay?”

Matteo nodded, frantically wiping his tears away. He couldn’t believe he’d made such a big deal out of everything. David was right. It was just a pizza. Mia didn’t care about the dish. They didn’t use it, anyway.

_Gosh, I’m so pathetic._

David still looked worried. Regardless, he gave Matteo a light kiss and moved to stand up. He backed away from the room towards the kitchen, eyes asking a silent question from Matteo, _Are you going to be fine? You’re not going to hurt yourself again?_

_Go,_ Matteo tried to convey at him.

And David trusted him.

Matteo took a cushion from the couch, another gift from Mia, hugging it to his chest. He heard David’s voice as David called the pizzeria. Then, he heard David starting to clean up the kitchen, dragging out the vacuum cleaner to get rid of the finest shards.

Matteo squeezed the cushion harder. It was always up to David to clean up Matteo’s messes. To distract himself, Matteo took his phone from the coffee table, unlocking it. David had sent him a message which Matteo had missed, _on my way home right now ♥._

Opening the group chat he had with the boys, which was flooded with unread message, Matteo read through the messages of Carlos and Abdi arguing about some TV show. He found himself almost smiling a couple of times.

“Hi, Jonas,” came David’s voice, making Matteo perk up. David was still in the kitchen, Matteo could hear him pacing. “Listen, are you free tomorrow?”

Instantly, Matteo knew where this was going.

“Yeah. No. I have classes tomorrow, from ten to three. Can’t really miss them. Yes. No, I don’t think he’s fine. I’m- Jonas, he hurt himself. I know. Yes. You’ll come? Not right now, we’ll be fine. Yes. Be here at nine? Sure. I will. Okay, thanks. Seriously, thank you so much. Yeah, see you. Bye.”

Matteo’s phone lit up. He glanced at the notification.

**Jonas:** _everything good, luigi?_

Matteo shoved his phone underneath a cushion.

David came back, sitting next to Matteo. He smiled at Matteo, still not his full-on happy smile. “The food should be here soon,” he informed Matteo, who didn’t react.

So David did that thing he had always done, since their first meeting. He stayed quiet, waiting for Matteo to speak up whenever he was ready, whenever he felt like saying something. David turned on the TV, so the silence wasn’t too pressing. It was some series neither of them followed. David, who had his journal with him, started to doodle something.

Several minutes passed. Almost unconsciously, Matteo leaned towards David. He let go of the cushion and shuffled closer to David, placing his chin on David’s shoulder, looking at what David was drawing. It was something like a cat – maybe a tiger.

“I heard you calling Jonas,” Matteo whispered.

David continued to draw with his right hand as his left sought out Matteo’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“Yes. Didn’t intend to keep it a secret from you,” David replied.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Matteo argued.

“I don’t want to leave you alone tomorrow. I’m sorry. I just can’t. And I _have to_ go to my classes. But if I leave you alone, I’ll be too concerned the whole day and can’t concentrate. But if you’re with someone, I’ll feel more at ease.”

“I’m not going to hurt myself again,” Matteo said.

“I trust you when you say that,” answered David, “But I can’t forgive myself if something happens.”

“I would’ve preferred to have Jonas not dragged into this. He doesn’t deserve this. _You_ don’t deserve this.” Matteo let himself fall on the couch. A second later, David put away his journal and pencil, lying down next to Matteo. When Matteo turned his head to look at David, he was transported way back to the beginnings of their relationship, to that beautiful Saturday spent in bed with David, cuddling and kissing and talking.

“I deserve you,” said David. His hand came up to stroke Matteo’s cheek. “You’re not an inconvenience to anyone. We all want you to be safe and happy. We want to take care of you. Jonas is happy to look after you for a couple of hours. You haven’t seen him much lately, have you? You can, I don’t know, play Mario Kart or watch some stupid show. Maybe go out to eat something? It’d good for you.”

Matteo found himself nodding. Truth be told, he’d rather spend the day with Jonas than be completely alone. He had no intention to do anything to himself anymore, but still, he couldn’t fully trust himself.

“I’d stay with you if I could,” David said, “And if you really need that-“

“No,” Matteo interrupted. He couldn’t be the reason for David to start skipping his classes. David’s priority needed to be David. “If Jonas doesn’t have anything better to do, he can come.”

David smiled at Matteo. A whole smile that made David’s eyes sparkle. Weakly, Matteo smiled back. Then, the doorbell rang.

“That’d be the pizza,” said David, getting up. In a minute, he was back with Matteo, carrying the food.

Matteo wasn’t really hungry, but he ate two slices. For David. When he had let David know he was finished, David took him by the hand, leading him to the bedroom. For a moment, Matteo lay alone in their bed as David went back to put what was left of the pizza into the fridge, brushed his teeth and changed.

Matteo, who was lying on his side, felt the bed dip. Then, David was crawling closer to him, snaking his arms around Matteo. Their feet tangled together, David’s toes rubbing against Matteo’s calves. “We need to have a serious talk tomorrow. And call your doctor, okay, babe?”

Humming, Matteo’s squeezed David’s hands.

“But now we’re going to sleep. I’ll be right here.”

The last thing that Matteo felt before dozing off was David’s lips brushing his neck gently.

 


	2. good morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jonas pov

When Jonas’s shift was finally over and he was slowly strolling towards the nearest bus top, he ran into Carlos and Abdi by accident.

“Jonas!” Abdi called out, grabbing Jonas’s elbow as Jonas was passing them, looking through messages on his phone, not even noticing his friends. His sole focus had been on getting home to cook some dinner, as he was practically starving. “Dude!” Abdi laughed, “You get one promotion and suddenly don’t know us anymore?”

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Jonas said, high-fiving both of them, a wide grin splitting his face.

“We were just about to grab something to eat. Want to join?” Carlos asked, fiddling with the straps of his backpack.

“Oh, perfect!” exclaimed Jonas, clapping his hands together. “I was literally just thinking about food. Where?”

“We just decided on McDonalds,” Carlos said with a shrug.

“What are we, teenagers? Very well,” Jonas replied with a laugh. In the end, cheeseburgers were cheeseburgers.

Exhausted after a long day, Jonas soon found himself sitting quietly in the corner table with his friends, munching on his fries, while Carlos and Abdi kept bickering about various things.

He was just finishing up his meal when his phone started to buzz on the table. Abdi craned his head to look at the screen and pushed the phone over to Jonas. “It’s David.”

In fact, the screen did say _David Schreibner is calling_. Picking up, Jonas greeted him, “Hey, David. What’s up?”

“Hi, Jonas,” said David. Instantly, Jonas had the suspicion that everything wasn’t quite alright, by the way David’s voice shook slightly. Barely, but the distress was there. “Listen, are you free tomorrow?”

“Actually, yes,” Jonas said, frowning. “Do you need me with something tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” David sighed.

Carlos and Abdi were now staring at Jonas. Jonas gave them an apologetic smile, stood up, and walked to area of the restaurant that was less occupied, clutching the phone tightly to his ear.

“Is everything alright?” Jonas asked, when he was out of Carlos and Abdi’s earshot. He asked it, even though he knew everything probably _wasn’t_ alright _._ And Jonas _knew_ this had something to do with Matteo, Matteo who hadn’t been in the best possible headspace lately.

“No,” David admitted, continuing, sounding stressed, “I have classes tomorrow, from ten to three. Can’t really miss them.”

David didn’t even ask, and straight away, Jonas knew what he was requesting behind his words. “Do you want me to be there?”

“Yes.”

“Is he fine?”

“No, I don’t think he’s fine. I’m- Jonas, he hurt himself.”

The words were icy, sharp stabs. Jonas didn’t know what to think of them. He didn’t know what to say. To his knowledge, Matteo had never harmed himself. Sure, he sometimes smoked way too much when he was down, but that was different. David didn’t say what exactly Matteo had done. Jonas didn’t need to know, he didn’t necessarily want to, either. The only thing he wanted was to be there for his best friend, who was gravely hurting at the moment.

It was unfair, life treating Matteo like this.

“Shit,” Jonas whispered. He glanced at Carlos and Abdi. Abdi was concentrating on his phone, but Carlos was throwing curious glances at Jonas whilst he ate.

“I know,” David agreed quietly.

“You got to him before it got really bad?”

“Yes. You’ll come?”

Both of their words were clipped; anxious and sharp.

“Of course,” Jonas answered, instantly adding, “I’m on my way right now, if you need me.

“Not right now, we’ll be fine,” David assured.

“Alright. But tomorrow, then?”

“Yes. Be here at nine?”

“Okay. Tell Matteo I said hi.”

“Sure. I will.”

With a sad smile, Jonas added, “And don’t hesitate to call if you need me sooner.”

“Okay,” David breathed, clearly relieved. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Seriously, thank you so much.”

“I said no problem,” Jonas brushed it off, “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you. Bye.”

“Bye.”

When Jonas finished the call, all he could do was just to stand there, next to the colorful balloons, ears almost ringing, staring into nothing.

He had never thought Matteo would go this far. Sure, he had been worried, watching his friend’s mental state deteriorate from time to time. But it had been always hard for him to imagine Matteo feeling so bad that he’d resort to physically harming himself.

Matteo wasn’t alone, but in the end, did it matter if Matteo still felt alone?

Maybe Jonas had been blind. Maybe Matteo was just gotten too good at hiding how dark his mind could get.

“Everything alright, Jonas?” came Carlos’s voice, snapping Jonas out of it. Shuddering, Jonas walked back to the table, taking a seat next to Abdi, still not speaking a word.

He had to send Matteo a message. To let him know he had Jonas on his side.

_everything good, luigi?_

Jonas stared at the screen. No reply.

“Jonas?” Carlos repeated, “What did David have to say?”

He had lost the ability to speak. Instead, Jonas sighed, slumping in the chair.

“Dude, what’s happened?” Abdi asked.

“Matteo… isn’t feeling really great right now,” Jonas slowly spoke.

Abdi hung his head, letting the fries fall from his fingers. Carlos only nodded solemnly.

“David wanted me to look after him tomorrow, because he has classes and can’t miss them,” Jonas continued, staring at the Happy Meal ad on the wall. Happy Meal. How ironic. If there only was something that you could eat that would instantly make you truly happy.

“We can come too,” suggested Carlos, but Jonas shook his head, looking at Carlos and saying,

“Let’s not overwhelm Matteo, though. If he wants you there, then, sure, but it’s best only I go first,”

Both of them nodded in agreement.

“He’s really bad this time, isn’t he?” said Abdi very quietly.

Jonas couldn’t deny that. By the way Carlos and Abdi looked, Jonas concluded that they must have guessed what might have happened with Matteo. No one said a word. No one dared.

“Are we going?” Jonas said, desperate to say _something,_ but not actually change the topic. All of them could only worry about Matteo.

“Yeah,” said Carlos, stacking their trays. Half of Jonas’s fries were left untouched.

 

\--

 

Jonas arrived at Matteo and David’s a little too early. His night had been restless, tossing and turning. He had managed to get couple of hours of sleep, only to wake up too early. Feeling anxious, he had decided to just leave his apartment and go to see his friend.

David came to open the door. He wasn’t in any better state than Jonas, by the looks of it – dark circles around his eyes, hair limp, posture defeated.

“Hi,” Jonas sighed. David offered him the weakest of smiles, barely a try, and gestured Jonas to come in.

Jonas followed David into the living room. Matteo was half sitting, half lying on the couch, staring at the TV, although not interested, his hair unwashed. Jonas watched as David went to Matteo, running his fingers through Matteo’s hair. “Jonas is here,” David said, and then murmured something to Matteo, something Jonas couldn’t hear, something meant for only Matteo’s ears. Matteo gave David only a tiny nod of acknowledgement. He looked small, drowning in a large hoodie. David’s hoodie, Jonas recognized.

When David went to the kitchen to grab some breakfast, Jonas made his way to the couch, carefully sitting next to Matteo. To Matteo, it was like Jonas was invisible: he didn’t say anything, didn’t even glance at Jonas.

David came back, sitting on the other side of Matteo, holding a bowl of cereal. Jonas pretended to be interested in the news on TV. David ate. Matteo played with the strings of the hoodie, eyes staring at nothing. There was a half-eaten slice of pizza on the coffee table.

It was a miserable picture. Although Jonas had seen Matteo miserable before, it never stung less.

After finishing his breakfast, David stuck around for a little while. Slowly, his hand inched towards Matteo’s, then finally weaving their fingers together.

And when it came the time for David to leave, Matteo seemed to wake up, at last. His eyes were wide as he noticed how the time had passed, how the time was creeping towards 10AM and David had to move.

“Five hours,” said David reassuringly to Matteo. Matteo was clutching David’s sleeve.

“I know,” replied Matteo, voice raspy from disuse.

“Jonas will be here,” David continued, “You’re not alone.” He kissed Matteo. Jonas averted his gaze when Matteo buried his face into David’s neck, David swaying him in his arms gently. “I need to go now,” David whispered, kissing Matteo’s temple, whispering something to him, again, with a sad smile on his lips.

Matteo clung to David until David was out of his reach, flinching when David closed the door, heading to campus.

Jonas received a message from him a couple minutes later.

_make sure he eats at least a little something he didn’t eat much in the morning. and try to get him to leave the apartment, maybe go for a walk?_

_sure,_ Jonas typed out an answer. Then, he turned to look at Matteo. Matteo, who was sinking into the couch, exhaling loudly, carding his fingers through his already messy hair. Jonas watched as his sleeve fell, revealing a bandage on his arm. What relieved Jonas was that there appeared to be only one cut. Matteo had managed to stop. But what worried Jonas further was the peeled skin of Matteo’s palms, the clear first-degree burns.

Matteo noticed Jonas’s staring, swallowing audibly, looking down. Eyes defeated. Jonas felt ashamed. He wanted to apologize for staring, but at the same time didn’t want to bring more attention to Matteo’s injuries.

Helplessly, Jonas watched as Matteo reached for the blanket at the other end of the couch, wrapping it around himself and lay down, closing his eyes.

“Shut off the TV,” mumbled Matteo, “Please.”

Jonas did what he was told. He glanced at Matteo, hesitant to leave him alone. But Jonas was really hungry, eager to rummage through Matteo and David’s fridge.

“I can sense you staring at me,” Matteo suddenly said, “You don’t have to sit next to me and babysit me. I’m not a child. I’m not going to hurt myself again. Go do whatever you want to do.”

“Okay,” Jonas said. He had to trust Matteo, like David did.

Jonas prepared some toast for Matteo, as well, but Matteo still slept, or tried to sleep, not answering Jonas’s enquiries. So Jonas ended up eating both of the slices. They tasted like cardboard.

Time crawled forward. Matteo dozed off, barely moving. Jonas tried to distract himself, rewatching Game of Thrones on his laptop, headphones on so that he didn’t bother Matteo.

The afternoon came, slowly. Jonas decided to wake up Matteo, who had fallen properly asleep hours ago, in an uncomfortable looking position. He didn’t know what the nicest, gentlest way was to do it, so he just settled on shaking Matteo’s shoulder.

It took a while, until, groaning, Matteo mumbled, “David?”

“No,” said Jonas and Matteo’s eyes peeked open. “You have to eat.”

“Do I?” complained Matteo tiredly.

_It’s what David would want,_ Jonas wanted to say, but that sounded a little too manipulative. “Yes,” he decided on, “We all have to eat, Luigi. Come on. What would you like?”

“What do we have? I don’t want the pizza,” Matteo said, managing to sit up, blinking tiredly. His hair was a mess, but that was nothing new.

“Actually,” said Jonas, “I was hoping we could maybe go out? What do you say?”

Matteo looked like he didn’t want to say anything. Then, something like determination passed over his face, making his mouth twitch and eyes flicker. Jonas hung onto that, he went to the doorway to grab his coat.

“Let’s go and walk around, see what we could have,” he suggested, putting on his scarf.

They ended up getting dürüm, sitting in the exact same spot where Matteo had told Jonas about David a couple of years ago. How time had flown. Then, Matteo had been unsure if he’d ever get to be with David again.

Matteo was brave. As Jonas glanced at him, sitting next to him, slowing munching his food, he was proud of Matteo. Even during the darkest days.

“If you want to talk about…” Jonas begun, letting the words die on his lips. He was always going to listen, and he needed Matteo to know that. However, Jonas was conflicted with how direct he could be. He didn’t want to draw attention to bad memories, to possibly make Matteo feel worse.

For a long time, Jonas thought Matteo wasn’t going to reply, so he kept on eating, glancing occasionally at Matteo.

When Matteo finally started to clear his throat, a sign that he was about to speak, Jonas turned his full attention to his friend. Matteo eyes looked glassy when his gaze briefly flickered to Jonas, turning instantly back to the ground. “I-“ Matteo said. Jonas stayed quiet. “I don’t know how it happened. How I _let_ it happen. I’ve been fed up with myself for weeks. And last night, I just couldn’t escape my thoughts anymore. They got uglier and uglier and David wasn’t there, _no one_ was there and I… David said I could’ve called but that didn’t come to my mind. I was so frustrated, angry, even. With myself. I burnt the food and that was the tipping point, I guess.”

The rapid pace of Matteo’s words started Jonas. “Breathe, Matteo,” Jonas said, rubbing Matteo’s shoulders.

Matteo gasped a couple of times, then turned to look at Jonas. “Sorry.”

“No.”

“I broke the dish. The one that Mia gave us. David said it didn’t matter, he was going to give it away, either way. But… There was a shard… Of glass.”

Jonas saw where the story was going. Matteo’s hand was on his arm, fingers placed on the spot where Jonas had caught a glimpse of the bandage earlier.

“I had already burnt my hands taking the food out of the oven. And… I don’t know. It happened. Done.”

“Hey,” Jonas interrupted, “Alright, it happened, but don’t have to be ashamed. That happens to many people. And me, David, all of us – we’re just happy you’re safe. It’s scary, but you’ll get through it.”

“What if I don’t?” Matteo whispered, “What if it _does_ happen again? I don’t want it to, God, no, but what if I can’t stop myself?”

Jonas was loss at words, watching Matteo shiver.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said, looking guilty. “Sorry, this must be too much for you. I’m too much for you.”

“ _No,”_ Jonas said sharply, “You’re not, I promise. I’ve told you many times you can talk about _anything_ with me. That includes the ugly parts. The parts that are hard to hear. But I think you should go see your doctor.”

“David called her. I have an appointment tomorrow.”

“That’s good.” Jonas stated, patting Matteo’s back. “She’s a pro and you have an amazing support system. We’ll get through this.”

A small smile made its way to Matteo’s lips. A bittersweet smile, maybe a little forced. A smile nonetheless.

“Are you going to finish eating?” Jonas changed the subject. It was good that Matteo had decided to talk, but he shouldn’t have to dwell on it too much.

“I don’t know,” admitted Matteo, staring at the half-eaten dürüm in his hand.

“We’re not in a hurry,” Jonas reminded Matteo. As he waited, he watched the other people in the park, children running and laughing, couples strolling. People looked so carefree. But Jonas knew better, knew what kind of desperation might lie beneath the surface.

Matteo was taking tiny bites again, when Jonas’s phone started ringing.

“It’s David,” said Jonas, “Do you want to speak to him?”

“It’s your phone that’s ringing,” Matteo pointed out.

There was something in his eyes: defiance.

“Hello?” Jonas answered David.

“Hi,” said David, sounding out of breath. “I tried to call Matteo, but…”

“Yeah, we’re out eating. I don’t think he took his phone with him,” Jonas told David.

“Oh,” David said, “My last class was canceled. I’m on my way home now. Where are you guys, I’ll join?”

Jonas let David know, and only fifteen minutes later, Jonas saw David crossing the park. By then, Matteo had already finished eating. David was wearing his signature beanie and when he was close enough, he waved and smiled at stunned Matteo who hadn’t bothered to listen to Jonas when he was on the phone.

“Hi, love,” David said to Matteo, kissing his cheek quickly. “Hi, Jonas.”

“Hi,” Jonas said. Matteo stayed quiet, looking at David who looked back at him. They only saw each other.

“All good?” said David, so quietly Jonas barely heard it.

Taking David’s hand, Matteo breathed, “Yeah. As good as it _can_ be.”

“And that’s enough,” David said. Silently, Jonas agreed. They all wanted to see Matteo happy, but happiness couldn’t be forced. “It’s a bit cold here, don’t you think?”

When Matteo didn’t say anything, Jonas replied, “Chilly. But manageable.”

Matteo, who was wearing less than Jonas and David, shivered when a gust of wind hit him. Jonas felt bad: he should’ve made sure that Matteo was properly dressed. Feeling guilty, he took off his own scarf to drape it around Matteo’s bare neck. At the same time, David placed his beanie on Matteo’s head, tucking lovingly the strands of hair that peeked from under it away from Matteo’s eyes.

To their surprise, Matteo snorted. “I feel like I’m your child, or something,” he said.

“Are you comfortable and warm, now?” David asked, grinning, arm around Matteo’s shoulders.

“Warm, sure. Comfortable? Not there yet,” Matteo muttered.

“Alright,” sighed David, kissing the side of Matteo’s head, just underneath the brim of the beanie. “Should we head home, then? Have you eaten?”

“Yes, he did,” said Jonas.

“Good. I’m proud of you. Today’s agenda filled, look at that.” David squeezed Matteo closer to him, Matteo, who was blushing, a tiny smile fighting itself on his face. “Are you staying, Jonas?”

“I actually have plans with my mom, so if you don’t need me anymore…”

“We’ll always need you,” commented Matteo from David’s embrace.

“Thanks, bro,” Jonas smiled.

“And who else can keep Carlos and Abdi under control,” added David.

“Carlos and Abdi,” muttered Matteo, like he was just recalling their existence. “Do they know?”

David looked at Jonas. Sighing, Jonas said, “They have their suspicions. I was with them when David called yesterday, so… You know you can talk to them, too? They have your back as much as I do.”

“I know,” Matteo admitted, “We’ll see.”

“If Jonas doesn’t mind, we should go,” said David, dragging Matteo up with him. Matteo still looked like another gust of wind could knock him over. “I think you should take a nice bath, Matteo.”

“You think,” Matteo just muttered, lacing his fingers together with David’s.

_They’re adorable,_ thought Jonas. Out loud, he said, “Well, call me if you need me. Don’t even feel sorry about it. My mom has been looking at my face for twenty years. She can catch a break.”

“Alright,” David said, “Let’s go then, Matteo.”

Hand in hand, they walked away from Jonas. Jonas stared at their receding backs, thinking how lucky Matteo was with David. How good they were to each other.

_Perfect,_ Matteo had described their then budding relationship, ages ago, on the very bench Jonas was now sitting on. During the years of knowing David, seeing him with Matteo, Jonas could see why. They were an extraordinarily good match,

Matteo turned to look at Jonas, when he was just a figure in the distance. A simple glance that meant, _thank you._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading !!
> 
> [my tumblr](https://tonvrogers.tumblr.com)


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